This dress was meant to end up on your floor
I just told this girl who bought a pregnancy test "good luck"
Sitting next to a retarded hot married man on the plane, I got 6.5 hrs to homewreck this shit.
regular news: took many shots of tequila.....bad news: woke up with a toothbrush and vagisil next to me.....good news: clean as a whistle
the sad thing is, im pretty sure she was serious about giving me head for my falafel
I don't think child baring hips is a compliment.
Just had a guy dressed only in a towel ask me for a cig, hug me and kiss me then proceeded to pee of the balcony while still talking to me and callin me baby
Grandma can hear your bong from the living room, please be more quiet. Love mom.
Dude. You gotta go home. I think I left the snake hanging on the chandelier.
Just woke up, shitty hungover, and realized that every article of clothing I slept in was backwards, bra included. Fuck you, gin. Fuck you.
Well I was thinking of taking him out for drinks then lecturing him about his drinking... kind of like an open minded intervention
Who knew wearing a toga outside would provide for and infinite amount of dick to choose fron
This is the third time my roommate and I have drunkenly hooked up. I'm starting to think she's not as straight as she says she is.
but seriously, if you see a redhead running down the street tonight in a carrot costume, call 911. He's tripping hard.
I’m honestly just flattered that you think I could make PornHub’s Top 10.
Randomize
