Just wanted to let you know that I always win at "whose ex is crazier" because of you.
I woke up with dick mouth, a raw vagina, an empty bottle of vodka and the best man next to me. I also found my thong by the pool. Best.Wedding.Ever.
I had a dream that I got a gift certificate to a lavish spa from my father. I think dream dad, along with real dad, think I'm gay.
I'm thinking I had intended to send you pics cuz I woke up naked
and hes going back to rehab like me, so we have common interests
Resolution for 2011: blow jobs are a privilege, not a right.
He pretended my clit ring was a door knocker.
Dude, the coffee is horrible this morning, Cass changed something about it
We ran out of Bailey's Irish cream...
This is what regular coffee tastes like?!?! Fuck the adult life.
I just tried to make cleaning gasoline off your shoes with toilet paper in the Chemistry Building bathroom look normal. I failed.
Seeing your boyfriend, side piece, and great white buffalo, all in one night? Its a sign right?
Proceed with caution.
A guy in a gorilla mask got blown on the lawn. And then the night got weird.
I don't really want to talk about it, but if anyone finds my unicorn mask with my bra in it, I would really like that back.
We can't go out this weekend. My uterus is so desperate it's given me permanent beer goggles
At least he's enough of a gentleman to not make me do the walk of shame dressed as Santa.
I just realized I had arrested my one night stand from last night...
Randomize
