why does he think he needs to feed/take me out to get some ass? we are at a bar wasting my fucking time
I can't go out tonight. I feel like I'm starting to party as much as Farrah on Teen Mom.
Completly hung over at midnight, I knew there was a downside to drinking at 2pm
Idk. I woke up marinating in beer on my beanbag. Idk what you mightve done.
and then you started talkingabout how you wish birth control was disspensed as a candy necklace
The last bar we left there was a sausage stand right outside and I apparently felt bad those guys were working that late, so I bought a $9 sausage, gave it to some drunk kid and said "I support local businesses!!" I'd say I've done my civic duty.
I ate all his french fries. He was no longer useful to me.
Apparently I'm not allowed to call at 3am anymore and ask to speak to all his siblings. I was just trying to get to know the family
oh god I've lost the ability to distinguish between 'star trek' and 'the future'
facebook is just a cold reminder of all the times other bitches won my hookups
i came home after a long day at work and she dropped a plate of cheesecake and a bottle of whiskey in front of me and said here's dinner
moral of my life: don't tell a guy you want to have sex with him. he'll get back together with his ex.
I forgot to tell you, that tinder guy literally lives 15 floors beneath me. I have been creepily saying things to him like "I see youve got a hammer on the patio"
Correction: Jimmy johns. The one pita pit employee has been an asshole to me ever since you locked them out of the store
Banged a girl last night wearing nothing but my Team USA Olympic jersey. I think it's safe to say that nut was for America.
Randomize
