i'm trying to reconcile what i did last night with who i am as a person.
I saw Winona at my church today. She has boobs, now.
Miracles do happen.
If I knew losing weight would mean this many fucking creepers I would've just stayed fat.
Are you seriously gonna shit with that life vest on?
And why did 3 people fail to stop me from literally getting a piggy back ride from the bar to his apartment?!
i knew it was time to leave the bar when i caught myself doing karate dance moves with a married man.
Every time I roll over in bed I land on a different vibrator. I feel I'm the only one with this problem.
So ahh..."Multicultural Night" turned into "Fuck the Neighbor Night"
I'm not going to say what I did. You're smart enough to figure it out. But I did it. And you owe me 20$
I actually had to tell him that sex doesn't replace my Tupperware. Our relationship has reached a weird level.
For what it's worth, I didn't think that hitting you with a crowbar as hard as I did would break your arm like that. You should drink more milk.
Honestly I am too high to watch videos of you jerking off right now
The drive thru lady at McDonald's asked how I was and I responded by opening the car door and throwing up all over the drive thru lane. Happy Sunday.
My boss's toddler just went through my bag and found your vibrator...you owe me a drink.
You were sober bartending last night right?
Sorta. I remember you crying, ripping rose petals off the flower stem and slowly sprinkling them behind the bar at me and singing softly
Romantic
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