Ana's brother is visiting for the wknd. He came back to our place last night drunk to find me passed out naked it in the shower with the water still running. I was still drunk. We decided it was a good idea to have sex and sleep on the bathroom floor. Woke up this morning spooning and using my towel as a pillow.
Why does it say "go to Planned Parenthood tomorrow" on my dry-erase board?
I just gave my whole company pinkeye. How's that for a summer intern's lasting impression? BOOYAHH
i think i recognize dicks better than faces
I don't think he understands what an important role his penis plays in my level of self esteem
I tried to put a seat belt on in the shower. And I'm 80% sure I ate soap.
he was banged his ex for coke the whole time and is still the best guy so far this year. standards need to be raised.
Nothing is more awkward than taking a dump while someone is crying in the bathroom.
Who knew that "When in doubt, pelvic thrust" would end up being the best motto ever? In other news, I think I may have joined roller derby.
idk man, i just want to be a bad influence for future generations
This is my punishment for trynna have a festive time with a stranger. I always forget you can't get weird with one night stands
I'm tempted to randomly yell out 'SO HOW IS YOUR UNDERAGE GIRLFRIEND' but that would be callous
I'm talking to this guy I met online about French toast. I am the oddest fucking combination of hungry and horny. Wtf brain.
I just spent 45 minutes and a really well-put together Power Point trying to convince her to use my dog as baby Jesus in her church's play.
When God closes one door, he opens up a taller, smarter, more successful door, with a bigger cock and nicer teeth.
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