is there any particular reason you took a shit in a zip lock bag and left it in my refrigerator?
The is a pregnant woman in this Chipolte wearing a shirt that simply says ‘OOPS!’ across the tummy.
That baby is bound to be under-loved.
So I'm eating my sandwich... and a penny fell out of it.
just found out my horoscope sign is scales. it's like i was destined to be a drug dealer
My last google search last night was 'vodka swimming pool'.
Look at it this way: if he'll have sex with a tomato, he'll have sex with you.
Omg you had literally better be on fire, drowning, and being crucified all at the same time to be calling me at 7:30 in the goddamn morning.
pretty sure I called you last night to sing Hebrew to you.
chimney cleaner pole that expands when button is pushed then pull out. Remember that. We have to patent it.
Who are you high with right now?
Stolen hampster on my tits. Don't tell me I don't know how to party.
Maybe you need to change your pickup move. The "hey check these out" titty flash gets you the wrong kinda man.
I know I've never told you this before.. but Gyro sauce makes everything okay.
Noo not in a booty call way, in a 'How are your abs and penis doing today?' sort of way.
in the past 2 days I've ruined2-3 lives, made 2 men quit the bar, started a Wednesdays only affair, ended it, ruined that engagement and had my tires slashed by a jealous bouncer. please stop letting me out....
He may be a manwhore, but he’s a very well endowed manwhore
That’s an important feature when it comes to a manwhore
Randomize
