and this is why I hate my dad. He got 25x more angry with me when I wanted to drive a different route then he suggested to get to his house (more scenic- thus more enjoyable) then he did when I told him I was driving drunk with 4 people in the car and I got my 5th speeding ticket last night.
Hot mess moment: I just made really spicy guac and picked my nose, which set it on fire. I tried to neti pot it with a coffee pot, which resulted in me gagging and puking all over my bf's bathroom. oopsie.
At best buy, little boy just crawled into my stall while i was taking a shit
i made sure i dropped the whole "im a yoga teacher" bomb which basically roofies a guys sense of judgement and guarantees he will sleep with me.
My professor just used the phrase "balls deep in your mind". My day is officially made.
Dnt forget 40 tuesday,dress nice! Like job interview nice, like funeral nice, like a couple muhfuckas sittin on their lawn drinkin forties on a tuesday nice!
I haven't gone out since the baby was born. If I don't get arrested, in a fight, or both I'm going to be super pissed.
Fuck Sunday funday. Fuck real pants. Fuck the sun. Fuck Jameson. Fuck my life. Yes, I am hungover as shit sitting in my office eating bacon.
Either way, we will celebrate half Christmas the only way we can. Completely and irresponsibly wasted.
I don't think I can look at him the same way anymore after he walked in my room wearing a short skirt with a boner.
He was just lying in his underwear like a present. I had to unwrap it.
Dude. That Grinch had his priorities right when he was worried that there might be a cash bar at that town celebration.
I apparently got up in the middle of the night after fucking him and started looking for you under piles of his clothing
you ate an entire watermelon by using a CD as a spoon, then proceeded to chuck the leftovers at some dudes car...
You took the glass microwave plate and said it was the closest thing to a frisbee, let me know how that works out for you
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