remember that night jesus turned water into wine? DRUNKER.
It was weird to see you drinking wine out a glass instead of a red cup today
You told me I was special while we were having sex and I asked why.
What did I say?
Don't ask me questions while I have an erection,
you grabbed the waitors dick and yelled '2nd base' and then he gave you his number. I hate your life.
He is juggling broken glass botttles, I think its time to cut him off...
I know it's not technically the "Mile High Club" but we def need a name for the airport bathroom. Cuz that just happened.
he told me he could still feel the blowjob i gave him last year
wow. THAT good huh
She was wearing some slutty variation of a toga and giving the entire bus a pep talk on why we should black out tonight...I'M IN LOVE AND I DON'T CARE WHO KNOWS IT!
I may have to marry her. She is smarter than me and has a six figure job and doesn't want to have kids. All I have to be is a trophy husband.
YOU LET ME GO HOME WITH CREEPY RON JEREMY?!?
...and?
I hate when you're right.
He followed me on twitter after I posted a drunk screen shot of a tweet. It's like he gave me permission to stalk him on a whole different level.
I know it must have been a hard break up. Are you okay?
Oh yeah, I'm fine dude. My vaginas heart is broken though. I feel bad for her, you should give her a call sometime.
I gave him head during Pitch Perfect 2, I felt like the Bella's were cheering me on with their back up tunes
I’m not closing myself off the to the possibility of making a bad life choice.
Woke up, bank account is empty. Sock is still full of blood. Nothing in my pockets but a wireless mic and jenga pieces.
Randomize
