I was so drunk I accidentally put in two tampons.
I tried to talk you out of it. You were worried about alcohol being a blood thinner.
You just got cockblocked by Conan O'Brien.
You're not invited to the wedding. They don't want you starting a "who's fucked the bride the most" contest.
Oh I forgot to tell u. I hit someone with my car in the RiteAid parking lot. More like a nudge.
Some idiot from high school is in the hospital for bonging three beers up his ass
He should have died. Natural selection.
Look, I'm just saying... paying ur respects to the neighbors who had a death in the family with food u steal from the neighbors having the cookout may result in a negative karma situation.
I gotta say, I do way better with the ladies than I do the men. So if it turns out being gay is a choice, then I'm going to go ahead and choose it.
Look bro I'll go half per boob with you, we split her.
He didn't even realize I was drunk. He probably just thought I loved Torchwood so much that I no longer knew how to use my thumbs
You puked on yourself, then demanded to take shower. In which you kept saying "its raining"
Don't worry you weren't as drunk as you thought. You only fell 4 times.
Afterwards he face timed like four of his friends screaming he banged the hot intern.
He apologized for cumming on my leg, but not for ghosting me for 3 weeks before :(
He bedazzled a shirt for me that said "best head giver" should I be thankful for the gift or concerned that he has a bedazzler?
people need to understand when I say I don't want to drink anymore that doesn't mean tempt me with another bottle of Jose Cuervo.
Randomize
