Apparently I called 911 everytime Sean Kingston told me to
Fuck that. Livers are so overdramatic and attention hungry.
He was completely serious when he said my boobs were like "majestic white clouds."
I think all I remember saying is, "I love Chris Berman's voice" and then I passed out
It made me think of you cause he just screamed "CAPTAIN PLANET" a lot and kicked people in the balls.
Technically my penis started a fight tonight
He asked for a foot job. Whatever. I guess I'm swimming in new slut waters tonight.
I can measure my amount of vomit in solo cups.
Naked chocolate chip pancake making. I just spilled mix all over the place. My boobs are covered in flour. This is not going well.
Woohoo! Instead of a pregnancy test you can buy me a burrito
The look of disappointment from my cat while I take nudes...
Is there evidence of another human being getting away with this/ not dying?
That awkward moment when your drug dealer pulls your boss out of the snow
I'm not fucking any of these fools. But if they want to buy me Olive Garden, that's their business.
and i walked downstairs to find my brother using nunchucks, and making the appropriate noises. i simply asked "why"; his reply? "why the fuck do you think?". i love my family.
Randomize
