you may be an alcoholic when your drug dealer calls to yell at you for drinking too
His room was full of guns. It was like having sex with Clint Eastwood.
the whole story woulnd't be so depressing if i had made out with ANYONE but the piano player.
They let me keep the giant cocktail glass because I threw up in it. And made out with the bartender. Europeans are so generous. I'm getting it engraved
Softest bathroom rug I've slept on in my life, there have been many
I take back all the times I've said life was unfair. I'm about to have two trained bartenders for a girlfriend and roommate
Dude he was a used car salesman for his friends' penises. I know I have something here that's right for you!
Well who could blame her. I would run away from me if I could.
i forgot to brush my teeth before I went over so i went to the bathroom and started eating his toothpaste. we're still in the early stages of fuckdom
Leaving my wallet at work and not going out to drink tonight...SIGN FROM THE UNIVERSE.
So I'm about to drive his drunk ass home and he spits on my car. Before I can say, "Dude, what the fuck?!", he puts his finger to my lips and goes "shhh, its in the past."
I think the only context in which I'd be comfortable being kidnapped is by a band of baby sloths
Good!!! I'm so proud of you for not snorting alcohol. Big girl steps.
I don't want to just hook up with random dudes. I've had enough bad sex to know that it's not worth hooking up with strangers
It's not?
Pretty sure he was in my class in like 2nd grade
I like how you know everyone I've ever fellated.
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