Last night when I was hammered I set a reminder to tell you that your boobs are my favorite ones in the world, so this is me giving you that message.
It was like watching Stephen Hawking try to swim.
I traded the garbage men the rest of my handle for a ride home. Best. Walk. Of. Shame. Ever.
finally remembered how I know that chick in my history class. she made and fed me ramen when I was wasted!
Someone fucked up, the stop Kony day is on 4/20,
He just stared into my eyes and touched himself. That isn't hooking up.
I don't know how or when he is sober long enough to donate plasma
I think my ph in my vagina is actually off from the lack of sex I've had this break compared to finals week.
He called me in the middle of the night to ask my shoe size. Apparently big feet would make me an unsatisfactory third for the threesome.
I feel like an involuntary Mother Theresa. I DON'T WANT TO BE ABSTINENT!
LIKE ALL I WANT TO CURE MY HANGOVER IS PORKROLL AND LIKE 85% OF THIS COUNTRY DOESN'T KNOW WHAT IT IS
I just realized I have a habit of pre gaming for therapy visits. Problem?
We'll discuss it when you get here
how do I say, without sounding slutty... That I can take a dick?
all I want for my birthday is booze and sex toys. don't bother calling if neither of those are included.
Sometimes I feel like my vagina has a photographic memory of his penis. It sucks that he got engaged....
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