I never want a future conversation of ours to include the words "quart of semen" in it
he actually used the line "do you have a map, because i'm lost in your eyes" and i was to drunk to care
My walk of shame was far more interesting today. He's moving and was cleaning out his apartment, so not only was I carrying my clothes, I also walked away with 4 bottles of cheap wine and a jar of ragu.
After the concert, I paid a cab to drive me around the city so I could shout "dc highfive!" at everyone who passed for an hour and a half.
Oh, and that ugly chick transformed into a veritable goddess when she came back at 3AM with a handle of vodka and 100 chicken wings
In between rounds of sex, you stopped and did drunken handstand push-ups.
Is it bad that I feel proud to be the first one to puke in the apartment? And I did it in style?
You straight up painted the counter with steak, tequila and beer. You owe me a knew toothbrush.
I just threw up birthday cake.. who's birthday was it?
"Work from home" is code for "morning drinks" right?
I fucked my ex boyfriend to get shrooms for you guys
That's the sweetest thing I've ever heard
And we had three hours of crazy sex then his roommate ate pizza off me while I was sleeping.
I'm more of a "get high and take a bath" kinda guy.
just the thought of you slurpin down noodles really rustles my jimmy
you suck at sexting
On a scale of 1-10 how inappropriate is it for me to ask if Walgreens offers teacher discounts when purchasing a Plan B pill?
I'm a shining star this evening. Dancing with a cane in rite aid now. I should be kept under survaillance.
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