dude, my own friends sent me home from a party last night. real cool assholes. real cool
i just ordered an al pacino with double mocha at starbucks.. i'm waiting to see how long it takes the chick to realize what i said.
My dog ate my bag of weed. Thats not the easiest call to the vet to make.
Do they take checks?
Did you really just ask me if you could write a check for a DRUG DEAL?
Her parents walked in on us. So for my birthday they bought me a blow-up doll with their daughters face on it. I don't know what to think right now.
All I'm asking for is flower occasionally, and in return you get to come home to me naked in heels. Is that to much to ask for?
Found a fruit roll up in my pocket this morning. This means my daughter has a peach blunt wrap in her lunchbox.
I told you in the isle if you get the one that vibrates that I masturbating with it. Your fault.
Bullshit. You owe me a toothbrush.
I was trying to pee in the bushes and the person who lived in the house where the bushes were planted started knocking on the window to get me to stop peeing in their bushes
I fell down the stairs while taking the dog out last night. I was laying there with the dog licking me face and my neighbor just stepped over me
I know... It's stupid... It's like, I have sex with his brother and bestfriend ONE time....
I would but he’s not speaking to me because I put ketchup in his socks.
It probably doesn't matter because I'm drunk...but I'm sorry for getting you drunk, having you almost lose your place to live, all your friends, permanently lose your liver functions, throwing up on my floor, losing virginity...etc...mostly I'm sorry for making you watch: cabin in the woods.
He wouldn’t know a good thing if it bit him on the ass. Which, btw, I did.
The covid immunization shot lady also sold me a mondo bag of really good pot.
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