Vodka is such a love hate relationship.
Truer words have never been spoken.
he actually said the words "do you want to pet the lizard?" with a straight face as he unzipped his pants
If I ever mention marriage force me to Brazil to do coke and strippers until I die.
There's a person in my phone named motor boat. I love making new friends.
Sad Megan is Sad
Have you been drinking my beer?
I have a 16 minute video of you talking about your life. We are calling it your Anthology sponsored by Steel Reserve
In your drunken glory you promised me, tongue, 12 naked pics, and 1,800 breakfasts.
We fucked like animals and then decided we actually liked each other so then we made love. It's a match made in heaven.
My night just got really weird. In a sit down stall bathroom at this nice resturaunt and this guy walks in as I rip a humongous porcelain-splitting fart. Well, I hear him stop for a second. He then opens the door to the stall next to mine, sits down and says, "player two has entered the game."
Did you win?
He made me tacos after the sex. Best date ever!
I'm just going to assume my unresponsive booty calls are just preparing for the women's march tomorrow
I just got CPR certified, don't make me need these skills so soon
Listen, some people have dreams, some people just want to cock slap a kangaroo
i passed out in front of ihop...for the second night in a row. i think i need to reevaluate my life choices
We went to the midnight donut shop and you hopped the counter and told everyone to "Get the Fuck out of your Bar" but to also "Make yourselves at home".
Randomize