This guy sitting next to me just bought a plot of land off the internet. On a whim. In the middle of class
the toilet has never flushed louder then when you sneak home drunk and try to avoid your parents hearing you puke.
So I called her out for all the gossip she does and she's like "you do the same, bitch"
So I was like "Im classy like the Countess, youre just a bitch like Kim."
Kudos on the Interstate Housewife metaphor.
Mac n' cheese is coming out of my nose. You can't make that feel better
Bring your kids so they can distract our kids so we can drink beer in peace.
Dude you didn't move for like 2 hours then suddenly sang the chorus to ghetto superstar and passed back out
After giving a back rub to someone in the bathroom of the theater, he ripped an "employees must wash hands" sign off the wall to prove that he could and proceeded to hang it up in his house.
BTW waking up to a picture of you taking a shot of what I can only assume was shitty lukewarm liquor out of a blow up dolls butt made my day
Hired a new intern today and we have something in common. I blew her boyfriend in high school. Do you think she knows?
You're always so late and I'm always so drunk.
I love my cat. she doesnt judge when i stumble in my house drunk and pass out on my floor. my dog looks at me disappointed.
If she didn't block me, she would have known that I sneezed on her toothbrush.
he's trapped himself under a bed and is screaming at a robot dog to give him a blowjob
(919) the date's not going well. He's on his phone talking about his eBay amine shit...
He asked me to describe my life outside work. I responded with "Home-wrecker.
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