Just donated money to a kid for her softball team.
Obviously I'm trying to futher our next generation of lesbians. I may be hitting on her at the gay bar in ten years...
Dude I was fucking my girl on the couch and her dog came up and licked my balls. Does that mean we just had a threesome?
Im sure that doesnt mean its ruined... It was your bithday you get a free "im drunk at 7 am" card
woman puking in liquor store parking lot at 9:30 on a tuesday morning = best commute ever.
I think Charlie st. Cloud is the saddest thing I can masturbate to.
That girl gave me her number because you were arrested. I am so proud of you dude.
Anything that comes outta your cooch is bound to be breathtaking
That could use a little rephrasing
A girl just told me she printed out my pictures and taped them on her wall. I have to stop sleeping with virgins.
you have a wonderful penis attached to someone I'm having a lot of problems with right now
I'm gonna keep a minimum of five drink promise to myself
You mean maximum 5?
My girl came home. i was jacking off on the couch and she just starts telling me about her day, as if im not half naked with my hand on my cock.
"Where are you? Where are my keys? What is this guys name again? Why am I wearing two pairs of your pants?"
I was figuring I'd break up with her after work, but before Taco Tuesday
Wait, but now I'm curious. In what position were y'all when the cops came? Were you guys butt ass naked in the car? 😂😂
I remember reading the word "lift" so I did. The alarn went off, and I thought to myself "what dumbass pulls the fucking fire alarm?" and then I realized it was me...
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