I just put out an orange level terrorist threat on her punani
Apparently last night I sat at the bar with an upside down sharpie lightning bolt on my forehead, yelling "It's Harry Potter's birthday! Let me be on the qudditch team!" And I kept calling the bartender Dobby. There are videos.
My superpower would be to be able to make a chick instantly start her period just by thinking about it
Why did I wake up holding food tongs?
We ran out of ice cubes so I used ice cream. Everyone thought that was the plan all along. I just went with it.
Whales. Broccoli little trees giant. Magic in cat form. I want my loco and juice. Black in shower. Brb remember life.
I just set the shake weight record at the bar. 20 mins of that crap and drinking beer through a straw will get the job done. I also bet the bartender 100 bucks I could go shot for shot with him. The date for that event is TBA.
when he put a condom on for a handjob cuz he didn't want to "blow his load in the car" i started to question my choice in guys..
I had a moment while I was smoking where I was looking at these palm trees and I knew how dr Seuss came up with his characters.
He only likes me when I'm naked and I don't like being around him clothed. It's the perfect relationship.
She screamed at us, "You guys need to wake up and smell the beer-bong!"
He gave me the choice between a threeway with his best friend or a tiny turtle. Unfortunately I chose the threeway.
Apparently I thought every drink in my house needed to have a buddy so I put some vodka in each one. Long story short being wasted at work because the gatorade you brought is 60% liqour is not a great idea.
You kept saying “keke” over and over so I slapped you then you proceeded to ask if I loved you. In case you’re wondering why you have a black eye - Lauren
If I ever say "I'm never drinking again" just hand me a bottle of jack. I'll snap out of it.
Randomize
