I woke up to 30 angry texts and her Chihuahua in my room. Can you drop him off for me?
And next time, don't pick a fight with me when you're naked. That's just not fair
I looked at him all bewildered and he said, "what? I figured if it was under 30 seconds it'd be free."
Right now, my father is sitting on the couch, totally smashed, crying, eating pringles, and watching the credits of Transformers 2. Love him.
How many ice cream sandwiches is an acceptable meal replacement?
2.5
I suppose drinking a cosmo at lunch alone can't look good but I mean... sometimes it's just necessary
The assistant vp has a bottle of wine on his desk & I have a feeling my boobs will be making an appearance today.
ive penciled you in for a day of excessive drinking
Eye surgery went well. Just can't believe it took getting lasers through my eyes to temporarily stop the vivid sex dreams I was having
Just walk up to him nice, spread your legs like smooth peanut butter on toast and scream "LOOK AT MY BEAVER! LOOK AT IT!!"
Being with her was like shitty sexual fear factor big ass sausage nipples over sized outty belly button i was scared and drunk tell know one
There's weed in my toothpaste. Explain.
He literally just made me hold his dick while he peed cause he wanted to know if I could aim as good as him
I love when my neighbors have passionate, loud sex to remind me that I'm not getting laid
I am cleaning melted cheese out of my hair. This is a new experience for me
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