Funny, I didnt know that facebook statuses were for crappy song lyrics
he emptied an entire bag of goldfish onto the bed and rolled around yelling the theme to jaws trying to eat them
I just saw at least a dozen senior citizens on roller blades. way to drunk for this.
So I came home baked last night and made about 60% of my jeans into jorts...
Just pissed in my own closet. Had no idea adult dinner parties could he so awesome.
I puked in the urinal of a bar tonight. Not embarrassed cause I got away with it, legitimately upset you weren't there to make fun of me.
Everyone is slow dancing to Aerosmith. I am serenading a slice of pizza.
Find me a date. With a beard. I want him to rub his beard on my tits. I'm not even into that stuff but I think it'd be so warm.
I swear to God, if you drunkenly correct my grammar one more time, I'm cutting you off.
I'd like to believe that in some alternate universe we are living this wonderful lesbian life together..
no, I didn't go in the end. Too hungover and hot, plus Star Wars is on so obviously I'm having a naked day.
I thought the Bane mask would really repel dudes but instead I ended up grinding on a frat dude that whispered "bad bitch contest, you in first place" in my ear in a Batman voice
I was intimate with him for twenty minutes and will be intimate with shame for twenty years.
The fact that I bookended my summer with pregnancy scares doesn't upset me. The fact that he's a trombone major does...
Woke up this morning to a bunch of snapchats of you drunkenly yelling at grasshoppers. Good night?
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