so heres a good story. about 6 hrs ago i took a bath with bruce blasting. and 6 hrs later i woke up still in my bathtub but in cold water
i just googled 'classy porn'. high, low, i dunno i just got bored of cum shots.
I'm at a Rock of Love themed party. New high? New low? I can't tell.
Wait. Scratch that. It's not themed. These girls are just sluts.
I'm in the grocery store cradling a box of wine like it's my firstborn, so of course this would be the first and only time I've ever seen my boss outside of the office.
he went to have surgery in the morning and apparently they found lip gloss on his dick
If you're that baked in a class full of people that know you're that baked you tend to offer up a peace offering. Its like the burrito of trust! If eaten you are now obligated to help maintain my grades and keep me from falling out of my chair. $3.75 a morning is worth it for that mafia type protection!
It has become abundantly clear why you give me pixie stix when you're drunk now...
The empty keg landed on my head. It's a good thing we already got shitfaced or i'd be a vegetable and the humor would be completely lost.
Spent fifteen minutes in the car thinking i was psychic before i realized the cd was not on shuffle
Your niece just basically announced she's a whore on FB so you should feel pretty good about officiating that wedding next month.
All I want to do is get high and needlepoint. Fuck your judgement
She doesn't even give a fuck about angle. I seriously gotta start doing like penis yoga or something.
I bet your mom's never met a girl who's thrown up at the presidential inauguration before though.
I turned on Elf, made myself a mojito, and am eating one of a sleeve of Ritz. You tell me if I wanna go out tonight.
I looked into her soul, didn't I?
You eye-fucked her soul.
Next time I think it’s a good idea to hook up with any of your wife’s family members or friends just kick me in my dick
Randomize