My liver just broke up with me...
I'm not saying he's gay. Just that he prob knows what a dick tastes like
she just asked me to help her create a twitter page for edward cullen's hair.... seriously.
stop texting me from phones in the verizon store and pretending to be guys i talked to when i was drunk. its confusing.
For the record, a bath beer is far superior to a shower beer...
just overheard a conversation that ended in "and that's what I learned in France" How could that not have been about sex
I can get orange kush...
GET IT NOW! WHY IS THERE A DOT DOT DOT?!
Those motion detector trash cans don't work fast enough to catch puke.
I was stuffing my vagina with gummy bears last night having him eat them out of me. Team Haribo for the win!
I decided taking Molly and seeing Birdman seemed like a wise life choice.
If I get laid tonight it will 1.) Prove that the sex gods do in fact exist, and 2.) Show that I am one motherfucking badass bitch.
we had to follow your trail of clothes to find you.......
Lest it die in the depths of eternal drunken recall denial...we peed in the street. Middle of the street. Simultaneously. Peed. Street. Middle of street.
mid-sex she goes "oh my god. you aren't even going to remember my name in the morning, are you?". And i was so wasted that i straight up told her "honestly, I don't even remember your name right now"
He grabbed at it like it was a stress ball or something. It's a boob, not a grapefruit. The fuck.
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