When we were fucking, you could hear the beer sloshing around in my stomach
he borrowed my computer and saw his name in my recent google searches. Things got awkward real fast.
please tell me you remember why "7 days" is written above my bed in red marker
I'm way too drunk on a Sunday to handle this level of Jesus.
His rebound girl is half his size, looks like a leprechaun, is majoring in theater studies and has arms like Rosie O'donnell. Do I win?
I did, I'm just saying. Once the drinking starts my nipples are no longer my control.
He's so drunk he thinks he's the ultimate warrior. Told cops he was from parts unknown. Never broke character
If I have to go to the hospital, at least put my pants back on. It's been a fantastic night.
I'm treating this like a real date. My boobs aren't even out.
I'm so proud, I have tears
I think I might get 604 tattooed on my ass tonight...
I'm shotgunning a meatball sub and watching flip or flop. i have reached a new level of singledom.
So what's the protocol on sending your exes new wife a baby shower gift that says "thanks for getting him the hell out of my life, please keep him there!"?
Literally been in their house 5 minutes and I've projectile vomited all over the bathroom wall. The dog licked it up though so I think it's cool.
Yeah I knew you'd like him. He's emotionally and physically self destructive.
We would have so much to talk about!
I may or may not be drinking in a church parking lot.
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