I just ate a drumstick out of the garbage. I need a life coach.
I'm so over stopping myself from talking about my sexual experiences in front of children.
Vanessa Carlton's songs would be so much better if she was pretty
I learned nothing from that class except drinking and chemistry go together great.
you know that dress I got margarita and puke on? yeah, just returned it.
you have no idea how wierd it is to get nudes while talking to grandma
There's two big trays of water in our freezer. I just hope they freeze by Saturday. for the ice luge.
its Wednesday...
they're reeeeeally big trays
Can we please get on skype for like 20 seconds so i can show you my penis and the spiderman temporary tattoo that is right above it
Just got a ride from a stranger while walking a mile home as it hailed with no coat. He asked me if I smoked, then said he just made some potent cookies and I could have one.
The cookie was what I originally wanted to tell you. Always say yes to drugs from strangers
I'll take "things you shouldn't say to a guy you just met in a bar" for 100!
You poured a bottle of water into the salad bowl and said "bowls are a joke" and then poured it into your lap.
Uber driver has left leg up on the dash and turn signal on for about a mile, there's Chipotle wrappers on the floor, but she's hot. 5 stars.
Well that's very sweet of you. I have a strange feeling you're going to regret this when you sober up.
NO REGRETS FUCK DA POLICE
I suppose writing him up is more professional than keying his car.
My life is far to together for someone who's such a hot mess inside
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