In Vegas, have spent the last 48 hours wearing a viking helmet and fanny pack. I consider this to be a career high since drinking is my career
i mean i'm ok with bufu but if i'm gonna do it it needs to be a mutual agreement, and there are steps that need to be taken. you don't just go OOPS we're doing it now
Halfway through banging her I realized that she was playing a sex playlist on her iPod...first time actually having sex to R.Kelly's "bump and grind"
you woke up and yelled "the tv is moving" and fell on the floor and passed back out
He keeps trying to sell me the forks from his kitchen drawer
I want to spend time with you, and by time, I mean real time. Not your dick in my mouth time.
I don't know man, I have to ask my girlfriend if I can borrow my balls from her purse.
On a better note: I'm on pace for 730 female produced orgasms in 2013.
Dude I sat in the corner of the party bobbing my head and singing danger zone
Things I Learned Tonight: I have no future in goat wrangling. Herding. Whatever you call the ridiculosity that just transpired.
Getting drunk in an Applebee's pray for me
Lord god protect this child
The cashier looked at my basket, looked at me and said "That's a lot of wine." I looked at her and said "Mother in law." She nodded approvingly.
Sooo...you're driving 6 hours for free booze?
Don't judge me.
My neck feel like I've been sucking Goliath's dick.
I am watching a girl dressed up as santa, full on fat suit, try to fight a six foot 200lb man. A reindeer threw beer on everyone. Shit is going down
Randomize
