dude, i woke up naked in her front yard...apparently i tried to leave in the middle of the night, forgot my clothes and decided,"oh heres a nice patch of grass to sleep on" I think god is up there laughing at me.
happy early fathers day!!!
im not a father
about that...
My 40 year old neighbors are throwing a party for their eight year old niece's birthday. It's 1am and they're still partying hard. Harder than me. It's Saturday. Just say it, I'm a disgrace to the generation.
Like reprimanding the wall for "sneaking up on me" drunk
Attn: you have now used your free, one time admission to pleasure town. Thank you for visiting I hope you enjoyed your trip. All future trips to P.T. Will cost you full admission price. We have different pricing plans to accommodate different situations, and remember it is more of a bartering system than a set price. Your patronage is always welcomed and once again thank you for visiting and have a fantastic evening.
I just woke up and my mouth tastes like I licked the bathroom floor in the last ghetto bar we were in. I'm going to get my mouth checked for chlamydia. Do I see a dentist for that?
WHY does every guy I sleep with want to fix my car?!
You'd think the dry cleaners next door would be less judgmental for as much business as my theme parties bring them.
I just told him I want him to "take the reins". At least its festive sexting?
Yeah I would come and meet you but there's 3 polish girls yelling at a drunk polish guy in the carpark outside. They just dumped a whole pizza over his head and I want to see where this ends...
It's been awhile, you pregnant yet?
He told me to tell my ass that he loved and missed it, and even though he hasn't known it long, it might be the one for him
What's clit gel and why is it in my wallet.
It's a sad day when a deadly hurricane headed your way is less depressing than your relationship status.
Puking out the window is really hard when you're the one driving.
Randomize
