I just did the scooter of shame. New levels of embarrassment have now opened.
Note to self: Not getting laid all weekend makes girls in mondays classes racks seem enormously bigger.
There's 12 honey baked hams in my fridge. I vaguely recalled you organizing a "Midnight Ham Run."
The taxi driver was cool until you left. He then started blasting enya and telling me I look like I need another line.
just as they were cutting his pants off he made em stop & said "everyone knows about shrinkage right".
You were hugging the toilet and shouting "don't let fatty eat me" through the closed door.
The bosnian sent me a sext with his dick next to a comcast remote. It went up to the "stop" button. Ironic and appropriate. Grab your remote and imagine it.
You've ruined television for me.
Didn't I tell you I have developed a shameless theory about farting anywhere and everywhere? I'm too pretty so no one suspects me.
Need to spend sober time with him while fully clothed. I can't decide if he's a seriously amazing man or a complete fucking dickbag.
This is me not judging you for what a fine line you draw between the two.
My genitals don't want beer. They want to not feel like they wandered into a hornet's nest.
Alright if I email the police department asking for my mug shot do you think they will email it to me
So you don't take a regular pic with her, but you take a selfie with her ass. Interesting...
When you make me feel sane and well-adjusted, it is time to reevaluate your night out habits. Just sayin'.
I learned a valuable lesson about combining day drinking with malt liquor: you may think you have super powers, but that's just the Steel Reserve talking.
Only you could get too drunk for taco bell. I don't know if I'm jealous or ashamed. Go to bed.
Randomize
