Its piss that you smell... I borrowed that shirt last week. Sooo, wanna grab some laundry soap on your way home? And good luck on your date.
Then she yelled something like "YOU HAVE SO MANY FORKS!" before collapsing on the floor
I still smell like men's body wash from that drunken shower I took at that stranger's home last night.
Going through my purse trying to find money for this cab but all I keep pulling out if chicken from my burrito o ate an hour ago. Help?
I feel like I should pray to the god of Febreze, because it is like it washes away the smell of all my sins from the bed
Just trying to get my dicks in a row.
Good. Need a drinking partner later. FOR AMERICA!!!
I'm so stoned I just sat here for like at least 45 min thinking about how I would get some jack in the box tacos if only I knew where my wallet was and then I kind of blinked and finally noticed I had literally been staring at my wallet the ENTIRE fucking time
OMFG "ASS" JUST STARTED PLAYING ON MY PHONE VIA PANDORA AS IM IN THE CAR WITH A CONGRESSMAN FUCKKKK
That sounds worse than that time you thought out an entire story of how big bird would kill you
I just want the relationship Bob and Linda Belcher have- is that too much to ask?!
it’s about to be september and all i keep thinking is what if i go (another) full calendar year without having sex?
Sorry I had sex in your backseat while everyone was in the car
It's quite alright. I found his shorts in my backseat, not sure what he was wearing when we dropped him off
Only you could get too drunk for taco bell. I don't know if I'm jealous or ashamed. Go to bed.
We're going to watch the inauguration and fuck. Or fuck and watch the inauguration, I'm not picky, just get your ass over here by ten.
Randomize
