The cop didn't care that I was peeing on the wall of my dorm building... All he said was, "come on, it's 9am."
Tonight has been like a good ass fucking high school movie
is it mean to send ur x his condoms back because they are too small for ur new boyfriend?
so while trying to be a healthier drunk i discovered that putting airborne in natty is not an advisable decision
So I just walked into the bathroom, and there was this kid, talking to his mom, while taking a shit. I flushed the toilet next to him and heard him say into the phone, "No, I'm not. I'm in my dorm."
I'm stoned in an empty parking lot listening to dave matthews while looking for a lighter.... I feel like I sent this 7 years ago.
Just got my cast off. My occupational therapist wants me to self-gratify. My clit is about to have an awesome weekend...
I legitimately forgot how to blow my nose just now. Sleep might be handy.
of course we called 911. an innocent mans booze was at steak
Found some boxer briefs on my patio table this morning surrounded by a case worth of empties. Starting to remember why I have rugburn and a sore asshole.
Does sweetest day count when you're spending it with your fuck buddy, high and eating Pizza Hut?
I'm sorry I missed your birthday brunch. If it makes you feel any better I woke up wearing someone else's toga and a sombrero
So drunk me is not subtlety trying to get her boss to cheat on her husband and have a lesbian affair with me. Sober me is ok with that.
You need to go! It’s a midwestern wedding - the single girls out there think life ends at 25 if they don’t have a picket fence and family. That’s when your penis introduces himself
1. I drank goldschlager 2. I fell in a bathtub and hit my head (hard) on a soap dish. 2. I sat in said bathtub talking to a random stranger on vacation from wyoming (who i met at a 711 looking for taquitos) for almost an hour. 3. We got kicked out of said bathtub by owner of bathtub. 4. We had sex.
Randomize
