I just saw a man with a full beard and frosted tips
there is no god
He broke up with me by playing Lynyrd Skynyrd "Free Bird".
Remind me to tell you the "if you give a mouse a special brownie" story when you get back
I walked in on you eating olive oil off of a plate. you gave me this look and I just started crying. we were that drunk.
I need to stop drinking and eating and start working out. I look like the lovechild of John Goodman and Jabba the Hutt.
That's the international "my vagina is unoccupied, come talk to us" chant. You have your mission. Go.
Half of my brain feels like I donated it to science and they basically just poured jack Daniels on it and put out cigarettes into it before returning it to my skull
I'm so tired I just poured monster in my coffee.
And it tastes incredible.
And I have chest pains.
I saw a shooting star while he was eating me out at 3am by my neighbors pool. Doesn't get more magical than that
It was like a square peg in a round hole... I've never seen one shaped like a stick of butter...
fries before guys. food before dudes. shakes before dates. chips before dicks. lemon bars before football stars. macaroni before screwin' tony. what i'm saying is please come to ladies' night
I'm currently sitting at your kitchen table eating chicken nuggets that I dug out of the trash and thinking about how much I need to get laid.
rest in peace liver.
It was nice having you occupy space in my body that could be holding beer n chicken.
that's going in my livers obituary.
He went down on me while i ate a whole 7/11 pizza. New level unlocked
Took it for the first time last night, and i saw a giant pillsbury boy coming after me with a wrench in his hand.
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