"tonights gonna be a goodnight" was blasting at the club while i was screaming "NO ITS NOT" and crying. How do you think it went?
All I know is it had something to do with a plunger and tuna salad. I'm done. I'm quitting my job.
connan obrien reminds me of an asparagus spear
I bought beer tonight and got 3 coupons with my receipt. Paper towels, laundry detergent, and Advil. I wonder if Stop & Shop predicts the future or just does this with every beer purchase.
My booty call got married. Come over before I start tagging all the places my dick has been in her wedding photos.
theres a kid in a leopard robe and sunglasses filling up a gas tank. i miss college
For when you/if you wake up tomorrow.. You broke 4 of the bar's glasses tonight and I am currently watching you as you ride the broom around the bar instead of cleaning up your mess. I am no longer able to come up with excuses for you.
She seriously spent 30 minutes trying to make balloon animals out of my limp dick...
...
Exactly.
Not gonna make it. My ovaries are playing laser tag
Any idea why the fuck i would replace all the music on my ipod with the fucking Goosebumps theme song?!?
Apparently drunk you is really nostalgic?
Dude we smoked with a bunch of random stoners in a forest, then group hugged. It was the most magical thing we've ever done.
I started screaming "MY PARENTS ARE MORMON" at a stranger and promptly proceeded to run into a wall. How do you think it went?
One day i'll wow you with artfully trimmed pubes.
But no. So do not give him one damn penny. Unless they are in a sock and you are hitting him with it.
I wanna get to the point where I can just send a question mark and get an exclamation point in response
Randomize
