i puked in the mini-firdge
we don't have a mini-fridge?
bought one. it ws too cheap to pass up. xcept now there's puke in it,,, but the freezer's fine so i feel pretty good about that
Who would have guessed that ordering a vodka lemonade at Roscoe's was code for I want a hand job
Definitely just saw a grown man at wal mart wearing high heels and carrying a baby
What the fuck were you doing at wal mart?
He insisted on us having sex while watching the biggest loser and asked me if I could "resist the temptation".
He just gave himself a boner while driving using "the power of his mind"
U can be a future sentaor's wife if you want. I'm happy with "closet lesbian", "tech prof".and "masters degree" all rolled into one. Drunken bar escapades pay off.
i fell into a bathtub last night and broke the fall with my forehead. my forehead is bruised
Why am I not blowing coke off your ass at my apartment?
I'm facebook/twitter stalking the guy I just slept with as he's passed out next to me. What a time to be alive...
I'm just trying to win a butt plug dude
I legit just swiped right with a Tinder feminist just to get in an argument with her. Soo that's my Friday night so far...
Just heard a 15 minute program on the radio about how cases of gonorrhea in the throat and rectum are skyrocketing in the US. Almost crashed laughing so hard.
Sorry, who is this??
The good news is I woke up fully clothed, on top of my covers, with a half eaten granola bar. So, breakfast was waiting for me and I’m already dressed and ready to go today.
she just sent our roommates a message asking them for a parakeet. are you gonna call later?
I just learned that I could drop out of school and spend the rest of my savings on a giraffe are you free this weekend
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