and this is why I hate my dad. He got 25x more angry with me when I wanted to drive a different route then he suggested to get to his house (more scenic- thus more enjoyable) then he did when I told him I was driving drunk with 4 people in the car and I got my 5th speeding ticket last night.
My dad assaulted a TSA agent this morning. Shut down airport security. Don't tell me that your family is embarrassing.
i just licked my manager on accident and i'm freaking out
I hope this doesn't become one of those friendships where we dont have sex
So my quick shower turned into a "lay in the shower and let the hot water reign over you because you are too hungover to wash your hair" shower. I'll be there closer to 1:30!
The fact that you walked around talking like Barbie and still got laid amazes me.
I only get hit on by people going through their midlife crisis. Yes, I did purposely write that gender neutral.
Im just an angry damaged little elf who wanders around and tries to find drugs.
Someone needs to fuck me in my slutty pumpkin costume and I would ideally like it to be you
Christ I forgot how flexible you need to be for a decent sext pic. Jesus.
Do we have to do this party tonight? I'm worried my bed will miss me...
The stripper was super into me until she pulled out my tits then I realized.... This bitch is just using my ass to get MORE TIPS
We were looking everywhere for you and I finally found you in the closet talking to a build a bear.. So I gave you and myself another drink
I got pull-out-my-nuvaring-drunk last night.
Santi's no longer allowed to buy booze in my lane. Last thing I need is a midlife crisis looking at his Id again.
Randomize
