Don't judge me. Haven't eaten all day so I'm in my room sticking my finger in peanut butter, then jam, then my mouth.
You said I was the most beatiful preggers youve ever seen...im not pregnant
you kept saying "no santa, im not having sex with you. it's not your holiday".
She's an honest to god fucking ballerina. She did things I don't have names for.
I think I might be drunk enough to cut my own hair
Apparently I got mad at you for "Not drinking with me till we thought we were seahorses" and smashed my face on your door. Then I put my feet in the oven and started crying because I was drinking alcohol from a pot. My life is spinning out of control.
i'm pretty sure i can feel a baby kicking just looking at him. if he didnt impregnate you, you officially have an iron-clad uterus.
Just got kicked out of two hot tubs. We were naked the second time. So awkward getting out in front of the security guard.
I just threw up all of my lunch in the Barnes & Nobles parking lot. Rockbottom tastes like a veggie burger, in case you were wondering.
It's 2pm, and I just had to pass a guy in the turning lane because he was driving down Main Street in an electric wheelchair pulling a flatbed trailer with 2 of his buddies in it and they were all drunk holding beers.
my star wars tattoo got me laid last night. definitely a dark side sort of benefit im thinking
What am I even going to do with 20 more jello shots? And don't say give them to the cat
The man who almost made us Eskimo sisters is getting married. Of course I'll be your date. We need to toast the end of his sex life!
the universe is starting to freak me out.. ive now had sex with 3 people who were born on the same day..
yes that’s a photo of a horny gay donkey
Oh I know. I’ve known many horny gay donkeys in my time.
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