if you don't open the door right now liz is going to get pregnant
i should teach a seminar on how to fall off the wagon
PSA: Morning booty calls are no longer accepted after the hours of 6am when I've been drinking or before 11am when I have not. Your cooperation is appreciated.
Literally I thought my ears were pouring out blood. That high.
Hey. I can't work your space dryer so I'm wearing your blanket home. I'll get my clothes later. Fun party!
I've actually, minus lsat night have actually changed my drinking habits
the chips you spilled whiskey on is not the same thing as Irish breakfast potatoes
It's supposed to be a shit show, it's an end of the world party.
Was there a condom involved? Because he was saying he wanted a kid. Repeatedly.
I COULD BREAK CONCRETE WITH MY FOOTBALL ERECTION.
I need to go back to work. I've had so much sex since the shutdown started. last night we tried and a little flag came out saying "nothing is left in here try a week later"
I remember looking at his body and thinking wow you have a body sculpted by Jesus himself. Still not sure if I said that out loud or not
I just thought you should know.... I am fully committed to being a ho this summer
Going to the pool bar doesn’t exactly count as “exploring”
It's official. My little brother has had more sex in my car than I have. I'm still tied with my little sister. I hate everybody.
Randomize
