I'm holding in my pee so that I can hear "Cowboy" in its entirety on the radio
awoke with 47 plastic lawn flamingos in my bed and on surrounding floor. explanation?
you said they were your minions of evil that protected you from ferrets.
I don't wanna hook up with anyone from minnesota
everybody there reminds me of mashed potatoes... white and lumpy
there was already a condom in her . . and it was bigger than me
Ya I got a cut on my head from the toilet seat last time I drank there.
He chipped a tooth on the first beer. You know the night is just going to be a slushy mess after that.
She keeps asking if I've seen him... For the last time YES... IN MY BED LAST FRIDAY NIGHT AND THEN AGAIN SATURDAY MORNING
But the guy you're fucking should not be within ten pounds of your weight when you're five fucking feet tall and he's 6'2". That's all I'm saying.
I am just saying if Clark Kent walks into your life, you fuck him
I can't wait for you to tell me about your sex.
It's a short, short story.
Worst way to find out I have a half sister
The hat, the beard, the hard posing - like who does he think he is?
A bag of dicks
That's dating life
He took my Spanx off and still fucked me twice. I call that success.
I honestly don't understand how your night went from singing a touching rendition of Africa to an angry political rant to low key trying to find a frat boy to bang to doing dishes to yoga
I just named someones junk. I should not be allowed to talk to people.
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