so let's talk penis.
She told you broke her computer after the little square in tetris wouldn't rotate for you...
Just asked my dog if he was proud of me for making it home. That drunk.
Did you really just text me at 6:35 in the morning asking where the condoms were? I moved out a year ago.
I would fuck him In a heartbeat, an obese child running up stairs with an irregular heartbeat, heartbeat.
The fun I thought I would be having now when I was six is vastly different from what I am currently doing. Hurraaay sex and vicodin.
Do one night stands count towards my number?
Yes. A penis is a penis
Even bad ones?
YES.
The cop let us off with a warning because I had more Twitter followers than he did. The future is terrifying.
my mom snuck into my room, washed her clothes and made her breakfast. what the fuck she's a better boyfriend than I am
He made me cum via FaceTime, then he made me look at his stock investment charts..
EITHER I'M HIGH OR JUST REACHED A NEW LEVEL OF SINGLE FEMALE SADNESS BECAUSE THIS BROWNIE IS GIVING ME ORGASMS
I just woke up hand cuffed to the bar and shirtless, so yeah I think I need you to come get me.
I really appreciate you taking the time to blur out my excessive boob cleavage for instagram
There was a woman who drank mouth wash to get drunk during her supposed detox...this is def the internship for me!
don’t ask me. i snorted coke off of a pregnancy test box last night. i obviously don’t make the best life choices.
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