Heard it's your birthday. I can't send pictures, but go ahead and imagine my balls.
i watch way too much csi for them to even pretend to be my friend.
I had a dream once that juice was flowing out of my kitchen faucet
Literally just stood in the shower and forgot what to do. that hungover.
The girl I hooked up with in exchange for Ramen freshmen year is living with the girl I currently wish to bang.
Try oodles of noodles this time.
I can't find the keys to get out of my front door, there are random socks in my bicycle basket and I can see a plastic handle of cheap vodka sitting on my porch. oh, and my head just broke u with me.
somehow this went from sexting to explaining my eating disorder.
You're more than welcome to join us! There's red velvet cake and apparently my pants are open for business I didn't consent to this
Apparently, acid is a good substitute for cash if you don't have any! Who knew?
Mmm. Champagne. Weed. 17 pounds of animal crackers.
how much do I hate his dog? was just googling to see if you can rent a hungry eagle for the weekend hate.
The cop took you back from the hospital and the lady at the front desk said "how are you doing cal?" You said "how do you know my name?" she responded "you're the only person i've ever seen that can throw up in your back pocket." Skills dude.
will you help me invent vagina-safe pop rocks?
In a few weeks I'll be a beautiful butterfly and me and my cat will have to repopulate the earth. WE WILL REBUILD!!
Some guy at the bar last night bought us Arrowhead water and I was so drunk, it tasted good
Randomize
