oh my god, i just wanna eat cake off your dick
He told me his condom was going to expire tomorrow and he needed to use it. I can't believe I fell for it.
woke up rolled in a yoga mat listening to enya. I'm never going back to Oregon ever again.
Why did I think it was so necessary to steal that rolling pin?
So can we talk about how we all three made out with the bike taxi driver in lieu of paying him. I'm not even mad, that's resourceful. You know what married girls would have had to do? They'd have had to pay.
I feel like when purchasing hard liquor on a Monday I also need to buy a happy 21st bday card to not seem so pathetic
I feel like I got run over by a bus full of inebriated Scotsmen on the way to a soccer riot.
It wasn't so much a one night stand as much as one night she puked on my nightstand.
I actually had to tell him that sex doesn't replace my Tupperware. Our relationship has reached a weird level.
Let's go. I'm waiting for my time to shine among the stars of never never land. Make sure you bring my Peter Pan costume this time. Shit's bout to get real glittery.
They made up a new version of "Smash or Pass" called "I would(n't) let you sit on my face" to yell at the freshman
I bought the restaurant a boat airhorn to wake up sleeping employees.
I love you
How do you explain to your kids that you met their mother well you were giving her a gynecological exam??
I didn't want dick. I wanted spaghetti.
I was just at the gas station and happened to look left and see a girl blowing some guy. How was your night?
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