lady crackhead wearing pjs and a santa hat brushed the snow off my car at 7am saying "free of charge" the whole time
Always fun waking up to 911 as your last dialed call.
when i got home i made myself toast with butter & put pasta on it. I know this cause it's all over my bed.
its not thanksgiving till you and grandpa shotgun beers out in the shed, and lose
Dude I'm looking through my old high school year book and I circled every girl I fucked.. what was wrong with me.
Last night, I accomplished the impossible. I pissed while riding my bicycle home without pissing all over myself. My Dutch friends gave me a round of applause and said I was now the king of holland.
...And then you kept screaming "cock mouth" in her face every time she tried to talk.
You're the Michael Phelps of my vagina. Most decorated Fuckolympian of all time.
Am I going to be on condom boxes?
I was trying to pee in the bushes and the person who lived in the house where the bushes were planted started knocking on the window to get me to stop peeing in their bushes
I think your dad took our porno
I told him he was like my favorite pair of jeans; I may not wear them every day, but I'll never get rid of them and they make my ass look fantastic. Needless to say he was not thrilled.
I got hella high today and freaked out about life and interest rates
She's blowing me while I'm watching air jaws. I love shark week.
THEY'RE TEXTING LIKE MIDDLE AGED SOCCER MOMS WHAT DO I DO
I told him I want him to read me my Miranda rights while he's fucking me. Act exactly like he does while he's on duty except with his dick out.
Randomize
