im getting a BJ in a closet
and a penguin just handed me a bong
Just saw a girl trying to crack an egg with her butt cheeks. I think I know what we're doing thursday night.
i've never seen someone fall down the steps so gracefully... i think im in love
My grandma paid her handyman in pain killers. I now know why this is in my genes
just got hammed at grandma and grampas 30th aniversary bash .. from the looks i was getting im guessing i wont be seeing an inheritance ...
Of the past 48 hours, 46 of them have been spent naked. I'd say it's been a good two days.
My brother just text me asking if I was ready for the blowjob of my life.
Today is going to be a great day. He just brought me a donut on his dick... It's Sticky Dick Donut Day!!!
If Plan B had a rewards card I would have earned so many free tote bags by now
My New Year's resolution is to chill out on the group sex. At least with my friends anyway.
He shit in the fireplace
I just Spray tanned myself while high as fuck its either going to look like a work of art or terrible graffiti
Double-fisting ice cream and wine. Do not send help.
Theres a free llama on craigslist. Are you in or are you in?
You peed on a flamingo?!?
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