dont worry your back hair reminds me of angel wings
Keeping hand sanitizer and lube in the same drawer in the same size bottle = awful idea
i think she is mad at you for trying to take a shit in the back seat of her car
I told you it's awful. It looks like he was eating honey at a barbershop and tripped.
Okay I woke up in my room, snuggie on, had a water bottle in my hand my tv was on Disney channel and my cigarettes are gone. And I deleted every text in my phone but one that said 'you are absolutely welcome'
Our sex has gotten so much better since we broke up.
You know how I got mad at him for making out with his formal date? Apparently I fucked mine. I'm guessing any exclusivity is out of the question.
I've discovered the best way to avoid rehab is to not fuck fat chicks when your drunk, therefore delaying regrets and rock bottom
your the Dr. Phil in my life
Today is an unchanging day
they told me if I wanted to live here I had to get an ass tattoo and then they all mooned me simultaneously. ass tattoos as far as the eye could see.
One guy got his nose broke and was playing with it. Then another guy was playing beer pong off his horse.
I just...no. You make my soul cry. You are giving me karma-cancer. This torture of my majesticness can no longer be tolerated.
Theres a point where you stop and say hey....as high as I am on LSD right now ...I`m just a man covered in paint
I figured it out! The supermoon explains how I managed to have sex with 3 dudes in 3 nights without leaving the apartment.
Why did I wake up with a skeleton in my bed? Is it from the lab?
Oh crap, that's where it ended up. Yeah, don't ask.
I swear 2020 just keeps getting worse and worse
Randomize
