omg! a creepy truck driver just made a frog puppet wave at me!!!
At lowes after workin outside. Kid behind me says "mommy that man smells like a taco" yes she was talking about me.
Thanks for having 911 ready when I jumped off the balcony
I HAVE A PIGEON IN MY JACKET.
If we worried less about pouring champagne down stripper crack, we probably wouldn't skip so many meals.
It's official, the cities waste management does not recycle porn.
you said candy land and then passed out.
ps. we found your stash in the candyland game. Thanks.
If you call getting home safe by sprinting down Spanish Harlem barefoot still rolling then ya I made it
A dude just looked at me like my drunk swaying was corrupting his progeny DUDE YOUR KID HAS A MULLET YOU'VE ALREADY RUINED HIM
ACTUALLY FUNNIEST MOMENT OF THE NIGHT WAS WHEN YOU WERE TALKING TO HIM AND YOU SAID "WHEN YOU MEET ME IN REAL LIFE I WILL BE A LOT ANGRIER." And then he said "WHEN I MEET YOU IN REAL LIFE I WILL BE LESS DRUNK, HOPEFULLY."
It was the easiest thing I've ever done. 3am she walked into my room, saw my Buffalo Bills blanket, said go bills and got naked.
Fyi, shaking your genitals at me doesn't count as "trying to have sex".
Get ready tonight we are going to get drunk and pierce my nipples
My hangover didn't kick in until like 4pm so I found myself puking in the middle of Times Square. During rush hour. In a three piece suit. A spongebob came by and patted me on the back.
I should have robbed the cradle years ago. Turns out 21 year old boys can cum and still fuck me silly a minute later. My vagina feels like it just won a car from Oprah!
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