So Ive been fucking her for the past couple months and i just found our that my grandfather and her grandmother were fuck buddies for a while. I feel like this is a new awesome family tradition that skips a generation.
You are the worst kind of disappointment. The responsible kind.
Why does he only make me orgasm when I'm about to break up with him?
right before he passed out he said "take care of your tender spirit"
Give me the approximate price and I'll give you the equivalence in blowjobs.
im drinking italian dressing and watching dexter. its 230am. lets never drink on sundays again.
Just saw him riding in a basket on the front of a bike trying to feed the other guy beer. He screamed 'PARTY BIKE BITCHES!' at me as they rode past.
I lied. He's hitting on a drag queen now. Should I rescue him or take pictures?
You know why nobody comes up with Sober October? Other than it's Oktoberfest? Because Sober October doesn't benefit anyone, just like your judgment isn't benefiting me. I'll talk to you in November. Unless you make up another alcoholless month.
She makes walking on a treadmill look like a porno. I wish I could send over shots as an ice breaker.
That's effing brilliant. We should start a business.
Looks like breakfast in bed is out the window. She can't get up because I "fucked her into paralysis." My stomach is not happy with my dick right now
just almost had a panic attack because i couldn't find the granola bar i put in my purse. i miss klonopin.
I'm glad he doesn't have a bigger dick because he'd just use it for evil anyway
He was so traumatized by the It's a small world ride but he immediately pulled out a flask from god-knows-where and got drunk before the ride was over. The ride operator didn't blame him.
i look like i'm walk-of-shaming but i'm really showered and re-clothed and rallying. i fool everyone
How did I get home last night?
We put your keys on a lanyard that asked anyone that found you to bring you home. A nice man in a cape, green shorts and a mesh shirt dropped you off this morning.
Oh. Yeah. Riiiggghhht
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