have you ever been in a public bathroom and someone walked in, and you played "Fat or Crying" based on her breathing?
Listen, I'm 30. If it doesnt involve a super soaker and some chicken wings, you can count me out.
I just watched a girl use a tall boy Coors as a rolling pin to make christmas cookies
today is my dealer's birthday. i dont know whether to give him the day off or call him saying happy birthday ill take a quarter please
Which genius got me a voicemail of myself puking?
Who wrote Most Moistest Dad on my chest and what the fuck does it mean?!?
Like fighting the continuous urge to sing Neil diamond "coming to America" kinda fucked up right now
Witnessing a crazy lady on the bus screaming about how romney is one of the four horsemen of the apocalypse.
Um went out in San Francisco last night and ignored someone hitting on me. So they bit my arm. Lmfao PLEASE TELL ME THIS ISNT THE SINGLE LIFE
I wrote myself a letter, like I think drunk me wants to be pen pals or something
After the apocalypse all we'll have is vodka and twinkles.
You tried to order fondue take-out.
From Taco Bell.
Let's say we can see the evolution of our "relation" by his name in my phone. Pizza slice emoticone. Pizza guy. Jordan. Jo. Jackhammer Pizza Guy. Jockhammer pizza guy.
she squeaked mid orgaism. I laughed she cried
If there's someone that knows accidental pantlessness, it's Mike.
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