I can only speak casual parseltoungue, im not bad though. just the general, "wheres the bathroom?" "open the chamber of secrets" that type of stuff
Here's a fun fact your kittens ate my vomit last night
Obama just said the words "we're all in this together." I wanted to start singing high school musical
I reached in my backpack to pull out my laptop. I found my bottle of Jack and 2 bottles of Coke. It's going to be a good class.
About six hours after the bottle of smirnoff, I was googling "losing your stomach lining" and calling my mom for help. She has experience.
My mom just gave me my fake back to buy her more wine.
I thought he was having it in Athens. Alright. Have fun. Please save my dignity and refrain from talking about my boobs and sexual "abilities". If I have any. I just feel like they are going to ask. Repeat after me. And repeat it 5 more times. This is going to be the phrase you're going to rely on tonight: "I can neither deny or confirm such actions."
I just got the two most enjoyable things in life in one... Weed delivered in bubble wrap.
This electrician is just ripping my house apart and I'm too hungover to ask questions
Summers almost over and we haven't golfed, got naked or had sex yet. Let's do all three in one day, no particular order.
May the power of my ass compel you!!
Sorry about my life...
And to celebrate the raising of our lord I just purchased a bunny buttplug. Am I doing this Easter thing right?
He finally left. I didn't introduce him to the roommate. The sex is bad. I don't want him to feel welcome
They told him he could only pay in monopoly money and he pulls out a wad of it from his pocket... i think im in love
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