Dude ... paraplegic porn is really creative..
Funniest shit happened at the grocery store. This kid kept asking his mom for candy over and over and she told him 'daddy said no' and he screamed 'he isn't my dad' so loud everyone in the store was silent it was awesome.
I plan on offering nudes to any guy that wants to give me notes from the past five weeks of class
the cop asked for your social security number and you gave her your high school locker combo
Booyah. Found 8000 pesos in my closet and that's apparently 608 US dollars
It's been over a year since we've been get-so-drunk-you-throw-beer-cans-at-fat-girls-drunk together. That needs to change.
I rang in the new year by giving a lap dance to a Lutheran minister in a roomful of people including his wife. Jesus would be proud.
Some guy just drank alcohol from me shoe..I think he's had enough..
I taught her to play Monopoly. She sold me her bra to keep from going bankrupt.
If I ever write a memoir I'm thinking "Choosing to sit in a vat of shit" would fit
I had a rough night. I'm just gonna lay here and masturbate for a while before I have to go adult.
I just got a text from a stranger offering to shave my asshole. I've been sober and out of town for a week, are you using my number as a dial-a-dumping again?
I really wish you were home bc youre the only friend I could ask to use an at home waxing kit on my vagina. I need you.
Apparently i disappeared and no one found me until the morning , but i have fifty missed calls
just caught myself putting beer in the oven and pizza in the fridge. i should be a trainwreck by tonight.
Randomize
