Bleh. If he hadn't ascended into heaven and sat at the right hand of the father, Jesus would be rolling over in his grave right now.
he was dropping me off and i told him i had to go to the bathroom and i leaned into kiss him and he asked how i went to the bathroom with a tampon up there... he was amazed that their was a third hole...and wanted me to show him where it was
He took me by the hand and ordered me to make him vodka soup.. I think I like him?
Just think, this time last Cinco de Mayo you were holding me up and finding me passed out in the yard of that house.
I left a care package of Jack Daniel's, pancake mix and porn in your apartment. Merry fucking Christmas.
They're showing aladdin at the bar my birthday is complete
He's laying next to me passed out dressed as a hooters girl
I bet he's a super pretty hooters girl
It was an "I snuck in through the window at 5am with my underwear in my pocket" kind of night.
You know you're baked when you feel your throat closing up from an allergic reaction to the pecans in the cookie you're eating but you keep eating the damn cookie.
I just said "okay we have 20 minutes to get each other off, ready... Set... Go!" and he picked me up and threw me on the bed. I almost came just from that.
Ok well i was gonna say you can only borrow my fog machine if you will use it to emerge from your room in a cloud of smoke after having sex with sarah, so yeah we're good
The only downside to doctor sex is that getting choked with a stethoscope leaves marks.
Also, I wish we had magnetic nipple rings and our boobs stuck together.
HAVE BEEN SPEAKING IN RUSSIAN ACCENT FOR 5 HOURS
SHIRT GONE
Had dinner with a married woman but didn't have sex with her. Tweeted at Mike Pence to apologize anyway.
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