He played with my vagina like it was a turntable
she said she'd blow me if I bought one of her sorority raffle tickets. Goddamn it's gettin easy
what am i going to do when LOST is over? What am i going to get high to?
I'm masturbating to football. This is why I get guys and you don't
Some girl, somewhere, is going to wake up with my face paint on her vagina
I wish we couldve been like jesus and the desiples tongith
I hope there's a soldier with a Bedazzler just going to town right now.
He gave me a trycicle he stole from a kid as an "offering" to have sex. I couldnt say no when he went through all that.
he calls himself the gay cupid because he matches two guys looking to hookup on craigstlist with each other. get me out of here. please.
I thought he put a fake swan in my yard, but no, he put a real life swan in my yard
I think the Predator is hunting me in my house. If I don't text you later, send Danny Glover. I love you all.
Fell asleep on kitchen floor again, chicken nuggets everywhere.
He wanted to watch a Charlie Brown thanksgiving. But I was like, fuck that, I'm a grown up. So we watched jumanji and I sucked his dick.
Okay so I just had a really great idea
no.
There's a weed, money and oreo filled pinata promised for our party.
Randomize
