i wonder why nobody wants to date me...im doing a crossword at work and asked out loud: whats a 4 letter word for 'a reason to get married?'
i was like PREG?
um i just realized that some of the people at my family reunion look inbred. thats not a good sign.
hahaha beady eyes set close together? defs inbred.
my dads cousin just put a cig in his dogs mouth and says, "look its a commercial for newport!" holy hell i hope im adopted.
You just projectile vomited on my dad across the table at waffle house.
Do you think he can smell the vodka?
Just sit in your kitchen floor until something speaks to you.
You blacked out and walked in on my neighbor breast feeding at 3am yelling "where is my best friend". I think we should go apologize.
she trying to cartwheel up the stairs... not going so well
Instead of getting a taxi some gay black guy drove us home. He is trying to break into the taxi business
Way to promote small business.
A girl told me I was her "alcohol spirit animal" tonight. Somehow I think my whole life was secretly building up to this moment
I'll be in SoCal at my bachelorette party, aka embracing a fireman covered in KY and chocolate shavings.
He has blue eyes of sex and i am powerless against them
Doesn't tell me where my computer chair went but good to know
He literally said I should watch game of thrones while I was blowing him like is this the conversation you want to be having right now
you went to ralph's and bought all of their pears and left them outside my house
I make him buy me all the extremely expensive high end Mac cosmetics I desire. Wear it then let him cum on my face. I am fucking glamorous.
Giiirrrllll. Back to back snaps of dicks. Two different guys sent me their dick at the same time. This is totally what our founding fathers meant with life, liberty, and the pursuit of happiness.
I just want you to make me second guess my worth as a human. Is that too much to ask?
Randomize
