Drinking non-alcoholic beer is like going down on your cousin.
Sure it tastes the same, but it ain't right.
she always made me post sex PB&Js it was like fucking a trashier Martha Stewart
Europe's "the final countdown" was playing. It was pretty much amnesty for anything that might happen the rest of the night. It's a rule.
I just melted my phone trying to make cookies. I think that's a sign.
Driving to get a preg test with my ex, wearing my unicorn hat
You are so not ready for motherhood
no one was sober enough to set up jenga so we just threw the pieces at the last person to drink
Just got a Snapchat of his dick with the caption 'We miss you.'
That's true love, there.
God I need to stop before there's a picture of my dick on my mom's phone.
as he was bent over the toilet, he turned to me and said "barbarian kyle is much stronger than regular kyle" and then went right back to puking.
My roommate just walked in with a case of beer locked himself in his room and told us he was going to masturbate his feelings away...
I smell like a skunk, but I'm okay with that.
I just wanted to be the best at what I did even if that included sexing a whole fraternity or sorority ya know?
So apparently my mom hired someone who goes by "DJ Dog Dick" for the family christmas party?
Currently doing the walk of shame out of some random girls house with my boyfriend. Talk about relationship goals.
How proud should I be that I googled "dildo with wheels" and actually got the result I wanted?
Randomize
