I told my girl, that I use to jerk off to Star Trek. All she says is, "Oh my gawd, you're such a trekie!". If I was her, I'd be weirded out more than me being a Trek Fan.
There is a such thing as a wonderpuss octopus. Officially my new favorite animal.
He used his penis as a puppet and sang Rihanna's Hard..... so no, we will never see each other again.
You owe me a new pair of headphones. You plugged mine into the top of a mustard bottle.
You kept running into the wall most of the night. When people asked you what you were doing you told them you were the kool-aid man and there was little kids on the other side of the wall who needed your juice
Now that world cup is done, funneling out of a vuvuzela has lost its fun
Just think, if your stepsister would've gotten knocked up 2 years earlier, she could've had a TV show. What a bitch.
They're pole dancing on a handicap sign post.
Lots of alcohol. 3rd graders fuck me now.
Auto correct or actual 3rd graders?
Well, I plan on starting the night dressed as little red riding hood. Then I plan on finishing the night dressed as a shit show in a red cape.
I'm sorry for biting your husband's ass last night.
There's something very strange about masturbating in a hotel room. I feel like I'm cheating on my room...
BTW he text me to text him later after the concert to hang out. Im prepping my bed but I should know I shouldn't count my dicks before they hatch
I woke up on a boat next to an extremely attractive man wearing nothing but a life jacket. Neither one of us owns a boat...
I would have wore underwear last night if I knew I had to change a tire this morning
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