I bought a boat. Want to have sex on The Angry Clam? That's what I named it.
So I just saw a commercial for tickle me Elmo furry gloves. And I thought hmm I bet I could jerk off with those. Is that a sign of deepseated charachter issues?
I'm sitting by myself in my bra eating a waffle and drinking pineapple rum. gamedaaaayyyyyyy
I offered to go to AA with him...not because I am admitting I have a problem but because I want to see what they are saying about people like us.
You know were out to late when I call my hook up at 8:08pm and 8:08am in the same night.
there are 5 pictures on my phone from last night, 4 are too blurry to recognize and the 5th is you dangling a twizzler over your mouth, naked.
You don't take my phone while I'm passed out, have a three hour conversation on it with Dealer Dave, set up a date with him and NOT TELL HIM THAT HE'S NOT TALKING TO ME.
I walked in and saw him spread eagle on the couch beatin it, while he just pet the dog that sat there and stared. mom was pissed
All I'm asking for is flower occasionally, and in return you get to come home to me naked in heels. Is that to much to ask for?
We now only communicate via Xbox messages. Living together is so easy
I am at Brians in a pirate costume, what the hell am I thinking
my mom tried to talk to me about my drinking, i somehow turned it around on her, now shes going to AA and I'm going to the bar.
There's something really beautiful about walk of shaming past the Capitol.
he was spending his time trying to use emojis to court a 19 year old, I can’t really take that seriously no matter how hot a dude is
Just don't let me do two things: Beer bongs filled with vodka or shot competitions
Randomize