SECOND walk of shame from the westside Hilton, SECOND foreign family w kids staring at me in my dress, glitter purse, spiky heels and booze breath. I said I was going to church. More confusion.
He invited me to see "alison wonderland" WHAT THE FUCK THATS NOT A FIRST NAME/LAST NAME TYPE DEAL
He was sweet. He even warned me that his dick curved, and I quote, "more than a banana."
my mom sold the house because of the grow room the couple saw i had in the basement.
did i really just refer to you as "the mid season replacement"
Dear room mates I tried to shotgun pam in the kitchen. It is slippery. Please be careful. That is all. Love you.
Dedicating my hangover to whoever the hell I hooked up with in the bathroom last night.
just kidding, dedicating it to the gods of mexican food. omnomnom
She kept grabbing my head and told my faces to stop shaking.. Also, she kept whispering something about seeing flowers in my eyes.
How high are you?
I feel like breakfast can just fly into my mouth
Her text was so long it had an arrow to expand it. You know it's bad when even your iPhone can't handle her
She broke up with me after I spent the whole day speaking in nothing but Marshawn Lynch quotes.
Is it tacky to frame a negative pregnancy test?
i'm really sorry, but i'm just not sober enough to make good decisions.
You went into the bathroom, got in the tub with a pillow, yelled "this isn't as comfortable as it looks in the movies" then passed out
i keep smelling vagina and donuts, which pretty much sumarises this morning. happy birthday.
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