So. Did i wake up at 430, try to drive home, stop to throw up at a shell, and try to clean out my car and drop my keys in a full dumpster? Yes.
Yeah no shit. My mom is giving me winecoolers as we watch a show abt alcoholics
My dad just told me if I'm going to smoke pot, to make sure I use a clean needle. WTF?
I think you're asking the wrong person. You don't understand. Like I would fuck the act of fucking itself if I could.
dont worry it didnt get any better. she locked herself in his room and was screaming at the top of her lungs "IM GUNA PEE ON YOUR BED"
I knew it was going to be a good night when i heard another girl call his dick "Thor's Hammer"
Dude I just ripped my new jeans climbing out the window so his booty call wouldn't realize I was home. Being his roommate should come with hazard pay
The best part of tonight is drunk commenting on my moms pic about how birds just want to give you diseases and pluck out your eyes
He wants to hookup..at the fair..this is our chance to leave him stranded with no clothes.
I made one of my coworkers cheers to me not being pregnant. I've never talked to him before tonight. Keeping it classy.
You attempted what you called the "Long Island Heist", in which you shoved a half glass of Long Island down your pants and asked me to help you sneak it out. That drunk.
Virgins should have to wear a badge. This burden is too heavy...
I just want to eat chicken fingers and drink beer and smoke in bed with my laptop so I can watch Netflix
So your not doing THAT great with the break up then...
I dont even know what happened i just remember waking up with beer cans outlining my body...
My mom is worried I'm not eating enough protein so she's sending me 48 cans of tuna. That's not a typo.
Randomize
