sometimes i shoot so far i amaze even myself.
I'm in a subway station watching a tranny do her makeup. This is like watching a unicorn giving birth.
Must be January. Theres a fat chick on an elliptical wearing khaki capris. Someone doesnt own any workout clothes
All I know is that it's pretty damn mean to put a glass wall in a bar.
was it good sex?
i mean it was good for how drunk we were. and for how big the closet was
Apparently I gave him a 'Steve jobs blowjob'
You've been drinking wine and eating bacon all afternoon. HOW IS THAT DOING GOOD?!?!
I borrowed a glass of wine. And the bottle. Your cat said it was ok
She said our goal is to fuck in every bathroom at the reception which is at a country club. I will have the best wedding date ever! Were 4 for 4 in public.
What if everything solid was made of oreos and everything liquid was wine
I just got chills
I'm dedicating this beer to drunk texting
i mean hes a break dancing puerto rican, how do you think the sex was?
You FaceTimed me to show me he was sucking your tit
Holy fuck where did this cat tattoo on my ass come from
Same way I cope with everything else. With dildos, dunkin and depeche mode
Randomize
