Omg I just drooled on the screen of my phone from smiling with my mouth open while textin bahahahaahah
Proposition. Sex. No words, no talking about it later. I just want you tonight.
i know they say sex burns calories but i think i actually gained weight from just lying there for the whole 2 minutes
Guy passed out in the lobby with a keychain sharpie hanging from his belt loop. 1 guest came in and wrote on him, then others saw and got in line. I'm not waking him up.
I have to take his virginity. It's what God put me on earth for. It's my life mission.
I just reached for my seatbelt when I sat down to pee... Might be a little hungover.
Siri just called me GayBoy in front of my family. I will destroy you.
He drank his beer out of his own shoe. Its his "party trick"
She was purple for Halloween. She literally spray-painted herself purple and called it a costume. It won't come off.
OK. i'm going to add "riddle me this, brodawg" to the list of things i'm never gonna say to my boss again while i'm high.
Buy Actually if the police need to find my body I'm on an air mattress in an apartment near a McDonald's that's all I see out dat Window
I asked him to make me two boxes of macaroni and cheese. That's like eight servings. How did I think that was an okay amount.
Just sitting at dinner with my dad...simultaneously texting "daddy" to confirm saturday's spanking and telling another guy to get condoms before Im done with dinner. Don't know when I got so ate up but I'm loving it. You?
Regretting asking you what you were doing.
He sent me a dick pic for every page I had to write for final papers (87) & brought me adderall. Tell me that isn't romance.
Should I apologize to him for saying I wanted to punch him in the face as I was digging through the trash?
Randomize
