I was just curling my hair topless and I just burned my nipple. Ouch.
"Shots" has been nominated for a grammy. Now all of the US has sunken to our level...
I just saw him at the bookstore and all I could think about was him licking your ass
Last night at the bar my fuck buddies found out about each other.
Wtf? What happened?
Not quite sure but they rock, paper, scissored to see who was taking me home.
New discovery: conditioner is better for jerking off than baby oil. Fuck yes.
Would love to except that I crashed into a hearse in a funeral procession about an hour ago so I think that pretty much put an end to my day.
Just tried on my bathing suit for the first time this year. Had to drink a beer to numb the pain.
if you had such a terrible roommate you would understand. jacking off in his conditioner is just the start.
I think I died last night.
Yeah, you got carried home
I really have to stop having sex with people I sell drugs to...it feels unprofessional
I'm pretty sure that my eyebrow is going to be swollen from a sex injury tomorrow and possibly a black eye. If it forms that way it wiil be the second time. Different eyeball. Different decade.
At first it will make you think "how is this physically possible?" and then it will ruin an entire food group for you.
I'm gunna wear a purple dress, so if you see someone looking confused and lost wearing purple it's probably me
I'm sorry, but if I hear stories of you getting fingered in the ass, and selling weed, you are not coming to my party.
Someone puked in my crockpot. Your friends can’t come over any more.
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