just hang any plant up and call it mistletoe.
i've been fucking this guy since february and just found out he might be uncircumsized. currently google image searching to confirm.
He called his prostate his "boner button".
Life lesson: When you compete in an impromptu "bloody mary chug-off," in the end, no one wins.
She tried to sit inside the drawer to my dresser and when it broke, she burst into tears calling herself fat. Too high to deal with this
I'm in a bed full of sand, and also just took my contacts out. Whatever happened yesterday was great, I think.
Things i learned at work today: do not put mayonaise on a tattoo, it will get infected.
Note to self. Don't order a $10 bottle of wine on a 40 min flight because it seems like a good deal.
God you're perfect.
I am. So drunk right now. Good work, Frontier.
It's a hurricane, not a zombie apocalypse. WHY DID YOU BUY SHOTGUNS?!?!
Since you're going to wake up and see one bajillion missed calls from me, I just want you to know that's a perfectly reasonable number. Now come downystairs.
he told me "apparently my gag reflex doesn't work so if you magically grew a penis I would deep throat you"
I put a zucchini in my pussy for you
My left boob kept making random appearances last night.
When she's hammered the amount of alliteration that comes out of her mouth is amazing.
I walked in on a circlejerk after punching that guy out. Instant karma.
Randomize
