apparently i'm not the first person wake up and realize she's ugly cuz i tore this house apart and there is no sign of my clothes
I just realized that "Hey girl, when you gonna let me tap that?" is in iambic pentameter. I'm going to write a poem...
My roommate found me crawling down the hallway as she was on her way to her morning class. Its time for a new semester.
sexting on a treadmill. speed 9.0 beat that slut!
People are handing out olympic condoms downtown, just put it on and it broke, this is how there trying to raise the population. Very sneaky canadian government, very sneaky
Got my bloodwork back and my liver is in tip top shape. Apparently blacking out 5 nights a week isn't cutting it, so we've got to step it up until I see that all of my hard work is actually paying off and doing some damage.
There's a cop, a pizza guy and a half naked girl outside along with a dog that I don't know. It feels like I walked into a Judd Apatow movie.
Girl please we both know I eat his bullshit up like its candy sprinkled with crack
We'll just charge in there, all pant less and fabulous demanding he give back her ferret.
you said "how could you not want to hook up with me when I have these abs" and then proceeded to rip your shirt off in the middle of the bar. I'm pretty sure you were hammered.
JESUS
My heart wants him and my vagina wants him...to have a bigger dick.
This is the best thing we've done since that time we started a religion
I'm not in bed, I'm driving and puking at the same time.... first for everything
If not, I can murder my liver twice...it's like a cat, it has 9 lives
he had a cock ring. i orgasmed before he even put it in
Randomize
